Happy Monday! This weekend has been the perfect weather. I hope it is a sign of what is to come. I know, almost everyone wants the sunny summer weather but Durban summer is just too hot.
There once was a time when this blog was a personal journey, where I could pour out my thoughts. Then it became a platform where I could share everything I enjoyed as well as my personal ramblings. Of course that “everything I enjoyed” quickly turned into nail art and nail polish and everything nail related. While looking back over some older posts I noticed a trend. Lately – and I can’t say exactly how long it has been happening but it is a while – I haven’t shared anything personal. No personal information, no plans, nothing. Around the time of the Oscar Pistorius trial I avoided social media to some degree, mostly twitter. Well the trial has come and gone and yet I just can’t seem to get back into twitter. I barely do much on Facebook. Days can go by before I realise I haven’t posted anything on Instagram.
There was also another trend, one which you might’ve noticed yourself if you are a regular visitor (still any of those left?). I have always been over the top organised. I had posts done 2 weeks in advance (at least), I had weekly planners, monthly planners and even schedules for when to reply to comments and when to read other blogs and comment there. All of a sudden, or maybe it happened so slowly I barely noticed, I was behind. I was writing posts minutes before I would publish. I suddenly didn’t know what I was doing for my next post, never mind a week from then. I suddenly didn’t have time to reply to comments and when I did there were so many (thank you so much, they are ALWAYS read and appreciated) that I felt overwhelmed. Suddenly I didn’t have time to read other blogs. I would open BlogLovin’ and have over 600 unread posts. I don’t know when I became so unorganised. It wasn’t that I didn’t WANT to blog or do my nails. I still did them all the time and absolutely love blogging. I just started to feel overwhelmed.
The truth is, I have just been feeling overwhelmed in general. I feel empty. Depleted. I feel like I have my hands in the air holding everything up. Everything everyone needs from me. I am trying to balance everyones needs and responsibilities of being an adult. But I am empty. Every time I try to grab onto something for myself it means I have to let go of something for someone else. But when I let go it comes crashing down on top of me. So after a while I am just left under a pile of rubble, suffocating, but not holding onto anything. There is nothing left for me. No one is filling my bucket. No one is holding my stuff up. No one asks me “How are YOU today?”.
I am useful but I am unloved. People hurt and expect time to fix it. Unfortunately only work can fix it. Yet here I am still trying to hold all of that up too. I am empty, I have no more to give. I have loved and supported and encouraged and tried my best but the time has come for me to love myself, to support myself, to encourage myself. I need to learn to love myself again.
Over the years I have had pieces of me stripped away. Some of it was chipped and bumped. Some of it was whacked off in chunks with a hammer. Some of it was just ‘storm damage’. But I am empty. There is nothing of me left. I have stopped feeling anything because nothing is better than hurt and disappointment and insignificance. I have been invisible for so long that I have even become invisible to myself. I am empty. Last year I thought I was on a journey to find myself and there were glimpses, teasers of what was – or could be – but a wave would come and wipe most of it out. I have lost so much and given everything I could. I know I am not the only one. But I am the only one that can help me.
So I am taking an itty bitty of a break. Not even a real break. I do have posts lined up for the rest of the week and there will be a post here and there (some reviews of course). For the rest of April my posts will be random. I will be scarce. I am going to take the rest of the month to get my act together. I will also be off finding myself. This will be a long road but first things first, taking a breath. Then another one…
Please don’t run away completely. I won’t be gone completely and I will be back. I will of course still be doing orders for the shop. When I come back I will be a better me than ever (and on top of my game 😉 )
As always, thanks for reading, even when it’s a post full of feelings.