a personal post on a tuesday

Hey guys,

I know, a random personal post is super random but here we are.

I stumbled across this post from a little over 2 years ago.  I read it and I wondered how much has changed since then.  The truth is, absolutely nothing.  I took a break from blogging and in that time we did some home renovations and I managed to catch up on a bit of a backlog.  My intention was to figure out what I wanted from life. I ended up getting so caught up in real life that all those intentions fell by the wayside.

The truth is, I didn’t make it or myself a priority.  As always.  It was easier to just plod along and exist.  Reading that post again has really shoved my face in it.  I am terrified that this is it.

I am not an unhappy person but I feel like I have this big balloon stuck in my chest and every week, month that passes it gets bigger.  I feel like it is going to explode.  If I take a second to think about it I feel my heart racing and my breath catching.  I am filled with so much anxiety and sadness and I hate it.  I felt the same way 2 years ago and I felt the same before that.  I hate that another 2 years have passed since I asked myself all those questions and I am nowhere closer to an answer.  What I do know, is that something needs to change.

I have spent most of my adult life taking care of my mom and I did it with love.  I would do it again in a heartbeat.  I then took care of my dad and I would do it again.  I have spent every minute of every day putting someone else’s care, wellbeing and interests ahead of my own.  And you know what I got?  Nothing.  I am not a priority, I am not a choice, I am nothing.  I am still empty.  Emptier.

As I am typing this I am struggling to breathe.  I have gotten so used to not saying how I feel.  I am terrified of how my words and actions can hurt.  I wonder if anyone cares about my thoughts and feelings?  Yes, I know there are people who care.  But does anyone know how terribly, brutally unhappy I am?  Am I just so good at hiding myself?  Does anyone know what I need? Does anyone know how I need to be loved? What I need to feel whole?

I am terrified that this is what my life is meant to be.  If this is it, I don’t want it.  I don’t care about what I can have or achieve.  I want to fill my life with memories.  I want to sit in silence and watch a beach sunrise.  I want to picnic in the late afternoon light laughing so hard my belly hurts.  I want to put myself first.  I want to make myself whole.  I want to love myself.

Some people  might say I am too old to do this.  I am too old to collect sunrises and sunsets. I am too old to think that memories can be made.  I am only too old when I am dead and I have no idea when that might be.  I am terrified that this is it.  I am terrified that this is not it.  I can’t think about it too long because it literally feels like my chest is going to break open and all of this will just spill.  Never ending.  I have to put the mask back on and switch it off.  I have to turn to stone.  If I think about it it gives it life.  I can’t do this anymore but I don’t know any other way…