When we started our adoption process in 2010 I was extremely vocal about it. Even after all this time I still don’t know if it was the right or wrong thing. The decision definitely had tons of pros and cons. That is all done now so I guess it doesn’t make a difference either way. I do know that since then, I am much more careful with what I say online in general (but that is a different conversation altogether :P)
At the same time, I also signed up to many parenting and adoption websites and forums. I liked (what feels like) hundreds of pages on Facebook. I asked questions, did tons of research. I still have hundreds of bookmarks with articles and the like. When we decided to call off the adoption (for many reasons) I was obviously very sad. I spent hours stuck on these websites and pages. I had to soak up anything and everything baby related. It felt like I still belonged to that “mommy club” as long as I was part of the pages. It felt like I was still in the ‘race’
One of the cons I mentioned earlier about being so vocal and open everything is that I OFTEN get asked where we are in the process of having our baby. Of course, the support is fabulous but it is hard when the questions are asked so often. I also realise I am super sensitive about it and it is mostly my own doing. Of course, it is also hard when I hear about a new pregnancy or a new birth. Not to mention all the advice I get telling me what I am doing wrong and just relax and it will happen and and and. I know it comes from a good place but still.
There are times where I think it might just be easier to stop hoping, stop wishing, stop waiting. Granted, those moments are fleeting. Sometimes, it seems easier to give up on the dream than to keep dreaming and hoping and have it never come true. Know what I mean? Urgh, it’s just hard ok. If you haven’t been in this situation just take my word for it. it stinks!!
The point of this anyway, is that I took a huge step. Or at least, I will be. I have given myself a deadline and I am doing it. By noon on Wednesday 6 March 2013, I will unsubscribe to every forum, every website and unlike every FB page about parenting or anything mommy related. I KNOW it sounds simple and silly but it is a big deal for me. It has kept the flame burning and kept the hope alive. It made me feel like I do belong somewhere (even when I clearly didn’t and don’t). I will be eternally grateful for the friends I made and everything I learnt. At the same time these have also crippled me. Every time there was a new birth or pregnancy announcement I was overcome with jealousy and grief. Every time someone complained about their children I was angry at them for taking the privilege for granted. I don’t want to be that anymore. These websites, forums and pages are amazing. They are. They are just not the place for me. The reason why I have the deadline? Because I have been threatening to do this for about 2 months now and I just haven’t been able to. I know it sounds ridiculous. It is what it is…..
It doesn’t mean I don’t still believe and hope and dream and wish. It doesn’t mean I don’t still want a child with every fibre of my being. I hope that one day I will be back signing up to these pages and websites for the right reasons. One day soon preferably. In the mean time….I don’t know. What I do know is that I won’t be researching and stalking forums anymore…..
I know this post has been a jumble of thoughts. I just wrote. It needed to be out.
**Image sourced via google images**
Michelle, you might not have your own children, but there’s no doubt you are a born mother. And I say that, not to poke you where it hurts, but to point out that exceptions are made to every rule. You are exceptional, my friend. Maybe not a mother (yet!), but a mother-figure to many.
Clock out of internet mommy-land if it makes your days easier, I have done the same to a large degree. It’s too much, too many people to feel for and feel with, too many reasons to doubt oneself, too many standards to meet. I hope it brings you relief, I certainly felt a huge weight lift.
Hope to see you soon, in real life. I think you need a big hug. x
Tammy, I don’t have the right words to tell you how much that means to me. Thank you….
Yes, it’s too much. I have actually done it. I did it and it feels good. I am glad I am not the only one who feels it is a bit much. Mother or not, it just seemed a bit much.
I would love a hug 😉 Shout when you are in the area again 🙂
I hope you know and are told often just how much you mean to so many young women and their children.
I love your posts, whatever the topic and look forward to reading each an every one. I might not always comment but be assured they are all read.
Lots of love and hugs are being sent to you to ease your afternoon. xxxx
Sharon. You have no idea how much that means. Thank you so much for your kind words.
Aww you’re so sweet. I appreciate you being here and thanks for the compliment. Your comments are always appreciated no matter how often.
Hope you had a lovely day.