When we started our adoption process in 2010 I was extremely vocal about it. Even after all this time I still don’t know if it was the right or wrong thing. The decision definitely had tons of pros and cons. That is all done now so I guess it doesn’t make a difference either way. I do know that since then, I am much more careful with what I say online in general (but that is a different conversation altogether :P)
At the same time, I also signed up to many parenting and adoption websites and forums. I liked (what feels like) hundreds of pages on Facebook. I asked questions, did tons of research. I still have hundreds of bookmarks with articles and the like. When we decided to call off the adoption (for many reasons) I was obviously very sad. I spent hours stuck on these websites and pages. I had to soak up anything and everything baby related. It felt like I still belonged to that “mommy club” as long as I was part of the pages. It felt like I was still in the ‘race’
One of the cons I mentioned earlier about being so vocal and open everything is that I OFTEN get asked where we are in the process of having our baby. Of course, the support is fabulous but it is hard when the questions are asked so often. I also realise I am super sensitive about it and it is mostly my own doing. Of course, it is also hard when I hear about a new pregnancy or a new birth. Not to mention all the advice I get telling me what I am doing wrong and just relax and it will happen and and and. I know it comes from a good place but still.
There are times where I think it might just be easier to stop hoping, stop wishing, stop waiting. Granted, those moments are fleeting. Sometimes, it seems easier to give up on the dream than to keep dreaming and hoping and have it never come true. Know what I mean? Urgh, it’s just hard ok. If you haven’t been in this situation just take my word for it. it stinks!!
The point of this anyway, is that I took a huge step. Or at least, I will be. I have given myself a deadline and I am doing it. By noon on Wednesday 6 March 2013, I will unsubscribe to every forum, every website and unlike every FB page about parenting or anything mommy related. I KNOW it sounds simple and silly but it is a big deal for me. It has kept the flame burning and kept the hope alive. It made me feel like I do belong somewhere (even when I clearly didn’t and don’t). I will be eternally grateful for the friends I made and everything I learnt. At the same time these have also crippled me. Every time there was a new birth or pregnancy announcement I was overcome with jealousy and grief. Every time someone complained about their children I was angry at them for taking the privilege for granted. I don’t want to be that anymore. These websites, forums and pages are amazing. They are. They are just not the place for me. The reason why I have the deadline? Because I have been threatening to do this for about 2 months now and I just haven’t been able to. I know it sounds ridiculous. It is what it is…..
It doesn’t mean I don’t still believe and hope and dream and wish. It doesn’t mean I don’t still want a child with every fibre of my being. I hope that one day I will be back signing up to these pages and websites for the right reasons. One day soon preferably. In the mean time….I don’t know. What I do know is that I won’t be researching and stalking forums anymore…..
I know this post has been a jumble of thoughts. I just wrote. It needed to be out.
**Image sourced via google images**