**After my last post and with all the good intentions, of course something had to go wrong. This website was down for more than a week. Apologies**
On Saturday, 18 February 2012, my dad passed away. It has taken a really long time for me to have the courage to post it here. In fact I don’t even have the right words to express it all. Willie has said it best and if you want to read his version then please pop over there.
Most of the time it all feels so unreal. At certain times of the day I still expect his phone call. Every time something happens, my first thought is that I should phone my dad.
When I picked my dad up to take him to the hospital the first time (25 Jan) I was so shocked to see how much weight he had lost. I hadn’t seen him for about 10 days and the weight loss was quite significant. He was admitted and when I came home I told Willie that I am really worried about my dad this time. He looked weak and frail and adding the weight loss made me a bit scared. He has been very sick many times before and ended in hospital but I have never had that feeling. That night when I went back to visit I was able to speak to his doctor. He told me that he was very concerned, mostly by the lack of oxygen. His hands, feet, fingers, lips were all blue from lack of oxygen. When I asked him how concerned I should be and if I should let the family know he told me he was very concerned. I went home and phoned the family. This was Wednesday night. I was blown away when I got there on Saturday morning to find that they had discharged my dad.
Over the next few weeks things just got worse. It was a huge struggle to get him to eat. We were lucky if he had three or four spoons of yoghurt in the morning and another four or five spoons of food during the day. Luckily he was drinking quite a bit so it was a relief of some kind. He lost so much weight. His bones were poking out, his whole appearance changed. It was so hard to imagine that just over 2 months before he was a healthy, fit man chopping down trees in our back yard. One of the things that happen from lack of oxygen is that it affects the brain. My dad seemed to be confused and unsure most of the time. After while I could also hear that his breathing was changing. It seemed more labored, like he was taking quick, short breaths. After a day of this he also stopped drinking completely.
When Willie came home from work I told him that I was very worried. I went to chat to my dad he kept telling me he had pain. Willie went to our GP to see if there was an after hours number. He managed to find one at the pharmacy and when he phoned the GP he sounded concerned as well. He suggested we get him to the hospital as by then he should be dehydrated. I rushed him to hospital. Once they saw my dad in the car they whipped him out and rushed him through to the back while I did the paperwork. When I eventually got to him I got such a fright. He was on oxygen, he had drips in both arms, someone taking blood, chest x-rays being done. They were heating him because he was feeling so cold. It didn’t take long for them to decide that he needed to be in ICU. I felt so bad for him. He was so dehydrated that when they tried to put a needle in his arm his skin was almost tearing. His skin was like paper. He kept saying to me that they were hurting him and asking me where he was. It was heartbreaking!!!
My dad spent 8 days in ICU. I watched him get progressively weaker. Some days it seemed like he didn’t know who I was or where he was. He wasn’t getting up anymore. He got physio daily and had a special mattress to help with circulation. At this point he was not eating at all and was drinking at most between 300 and 500 ml of liquid a day. Hid doctor told me that if he does not start to eat soon they are going to have to put him on a feeding tube. On Saturday when we went to visit him, the nurse told me that after visiting hours they will be giving him a feeding tube. The time had come and they couldn’t put it off anymore. During the visit he seemed very tired and sleepy. He wasn’t talking but he was responding with noises and he did squeeze my hand.
We went home after visiting hours. My aunt was getting ready to make the trip back home when the hospital phoned. it was his nurse and she said dad wasn’t doing so well and that we should really get back there asap so that we can say good bye. We got there at 17h49 and my dad passed at 17h45. 4 minutes late…….
I couldn’t believe it, I can’t believe it. Even though I knew he was really sick and logically I knew it was bound to happen. It seemed unbelievable. I remember staring at him and I couldn’t believe it was my dad. MY dad.
I struggle with my feelings. Still. I feel so bad for him, that he had to suffer. That he ended up losing himself. I am eternally grateful that I told him every single day that I loved him and until the very very end he always said it back. He knew how much he was loved and I am grateful that I had the time to make sure he knew. I didn’t have that with my mom. I miss him so much. So much has happened since that should’ve been with him. I miss my mom more than ever. I am so happy they are together.
I am not good with words, not being able to express my feelings around this. It’s hard. It feels unfair. Both my parents died very young. Both my parents……
RIP Dad, fly with the angels.
When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure. ~Author Unknown
Although it’s difficult today to see beyond the sorrow,
May looking back in memory help comfort you tomorrow.
~Author Unknown
While we are mourning the loss of our friend, others are rejoicing to meet him behind the veil. ~John Taylor
Hello my precious child
I also have so many thoughts about all sorts of things. My dad passed away when I was 23 and then my mom when I was 30 – still to this day I miss them so much and some days the pain in my heart is so hugw – it would seem that it was only yesterday that it happened. However it is not our choice, God knew whar was best for our loved one and your dad is definitely with those who loved him dearly while they were with us here. We have that promise that we will meet again, God has told us in His word that one day all pain suffering sickness sorrow will all be gone and we will all be together again in the most glorious place called heaven – streets of gold – boy am I going to dance with joy when I walk on those streets of gold. I cannot wait for that day and it is a longing in my heart to see all my loved ones again. However in the mean time we know that God has promised to be with us always and I creep in close to Him so often – times when I feel alone, sad, angry happy I know that my Saviour is there with me and He gives me the strength to carry on. Life is full of joy pain and sorrow but we know that with our hand in our Daddy’s Hand there is nothing that we cannot go through. I miss your dad and I have regrets but God is working through them with me – I am so thankful for the time that I did have with him, and I was also albe to tell him how much I loved him and that I have always loved him. Our lives are affected in many ways, however we can thank God that we have memories which we will treasure in our hearts forever. Love you lots my precious child and know that I am always here for you. Take care stay blessed and pray for God’s favour and love to be showered on you everyday – love you long long looong time – Aunty Baba xxxxxxxxx
Your Dad was one the two most special men that ever came into my life, I remember as a small child how he always made me laugh, how he played a manly role in my life that I dearly lacked. I only ever had good memories of your Dad and I remember the love, light and special way about him that used to radiate from him. The memories I have of him were filled with laughter and I will never forget the days in Winklespruit with your dad and Mr Booth. Such good times that always bring a smile to my face whenever I think about those days and they certainly bring a laugh to my household when I tell my friends and family of the days when my Uncle’s teased me about not being able to swim. Such good times and good stories that I will be telling my daughter about as she gets older because it does make me sad that my child will never get to remember her Great Uncle, but through the memories and photo’s I know she will come to love the same man that I knew and loved with all my heart.
Yes he was a man who made his mistakes… but show me a person who has not made their mistakes? Your Dad certainly made up for them and he certainly paid for them in his own way but that does not mean he was bad person and the bible tells us that it is not for us to judge those who have done wrong and I know he was forgiven by all and I know Jesus forgave him because my Mum led him to Christ and that is something we have to be happy about and something we have the Lord to praise for. Our precious child of God is with his Dad up in heaven and he forgave his child for all his wrong doings on earth. My Uncle’s sins were washed away and he awaits us in the kingdom of heaven :o) And this is something we all have to be happy about and something we can all rejoice about. He is not gone in spirit and we will all meet again.
There are so many things running through my mind as I type this because there are so many things I personally always loved about your Dad so very much. I loved his sense of humor, the way he saw life, the way he adapted to life and how he handled things. Your Dad had an amazing way of just being himself and that’s what made him so special. That’s what we all loved about him. Yes he was stubborn… but show me a Gray that isn’t and yes he had his moments but show me someone who hasn’t… but all in all your Dad had a heart of gold and his amazing memories will always stay with us and remain with us through our lives and I can’t speak for others but I certainly take the lessons learnt, the advice given and the hours of chitter chatter through into my life. Your Dad was a very wise man and I learnt allot through him. He taught me so much about his life, about the mistakes that he had made, about the good times he had had and all the inbetweeners that people tend to forget about- your Dad didn’t and I loved that so very much about him because I am like that myself. Your Dad taught me to love without regret, to take chances on the unknown, he taught me that I am stronger then I think I really am and he taught me that I can with stand allot more then what life throws at me but most of all he showed me that I am a good person and believe me that means allot because I spent most of my life believing that I was not worth very much and it was your Dad who actually made me realize this…
I wanted to share my most special memory of your Dad. It’s a memory that I will always hold dear to my heart and its one of those moments that came in a time of my life when I was uncertain and walking a very unknown path and just hearing the words your Dad had to say to me made me realize that every time I look at that period of my life I had made the right choices and I know I was right to do what I chose to do because someone I looked up to actually had the compassion and sense of realism to share what they thought with me and it was your Dad who did so knowing that it would mean the world to me, knowing that it would change my life and knowing that it would change my outlook on the future but more so my outlook on myself. Your Dad’s simple words made me realize how important I was and how important the actions I chose to make made me the better person because here I am today with my twin soul and the love of my life who did change my life for the better and who I can’t live without… my baby Girl Emma…
I will never forget the way my child was conceived, nor will I forget the reactions of the people in my life when I told them I was pregnant.I don’t hold blame for how those people reacted or how they felt because it was unexpected and it was a shocker. But regardless of all that the greatest memory I have with your Dad that meant the world to me was sitting at your house at the table with your Dad and my little girl who was only about 3 months old and your Dad turned around to me and said:
‘ Tollie your Dad would have been so proud of you and I am so proud of you that you chose to have your baby instead of worrying about what everything one would think and you stood up for what you believe in.’
These words have never left me and they come to mind everytime I look at my child and I have comfort knowing that your Dad felt that way and was able to express with me how he felt because those simple words changed my life for the better and it gave me the confidence to stand up for what I believed in and most of all your Dad’s words made me believe in myself. And I am for ever grateful for that and I am forever grateful to your Dad. No words that I can express can ever come close to show much that day meant to me and how much your Dad meant to me. To truly describe what your Dad meant to me would be impossible but I think knowing you as I do I know that within yourself you know where I am coming from.
Your Dad is missed everyday by all who knew him. He touched our lives in very special ways and his memory will always be remembered. We all loved him very much and we still love him even though he is not here with us today.
Thank you so much!!
Your kind and loving words mean so much to me. He was one very special man and I am so blessed and honored to have been able to call him dad. I miss him more than words can say.
Love you all.