I remember……

One year ago today I looked into my dad’s eyes for the last time.  One year.  Where has the time gone?  I spend most of the time remembering….

I remember how small and weak and tired my dad was.  I wasn’t used to seeing my strong, capable, independent dad like that.

I remember the long periods of visiting him where he didn’t seem to know who I was.  He was talking to me – sometimes in zulu – but only the last 15 or 20 minutes did it really seem like he knew who I was.  I remember the first Monday that he was in ICU I couldn’t get to the visiting hours in the morning.  When I got there in the evening he looked at me with huge eyes and says “I’ve been looking for you the whole day”.  It broke my heart.

I remember my dad talking about and to my mom often.  Sometimes he would refer to me by my mom’s nickname.  He always seemed at peace and I knew that the thought of ‘being with my mom’ gave him some comfort.

I remember feeling so bad for him.  I couldn’t imagine how hard it had to be for him.  In less than a month my dad went from a strong, fit man who didn’t need help from anyone to a man who needed help to drink from a glass, sit up, bath.  I knew he was in pain.  I knew he was uncomfortable.  I would give anything to have taken that away for him.  I knew my dad didn’t have much time but I had no idea how little time he had.

Most of all, I remember telling my dad every day that I loved him.  I remember him telling me he loved me too.  I remember being loved.  I remember how we would always to try help if he could.

I remember how excited he was when we told him we were going to adopt.  He bought nappies.

One year ago today.  I remember being 4 minutes late to look into his eyes one last time.  I remember standing next to his bed and feeling bad for all the other people that had to hear me cry.  I remember feeling like I wanted to run away and it wouldn’t be real.  I remember the moment when Willie walked in and I felt relief.  I needed him.  I remember asking the nurse to please turn the machine off but she wasn’t allowed to.

I remember the love.

I miss you dad.  One long year but it feels like yesterday.  You are always here.  You are always remembered.  You are always loved.