One year ago today I looked into my dad’s eyes for the last time. One year. Where has the time gone? I spend most of the time remembering….
I remember how small and weak and tired my dad was. I wasn’t used to seeing my strong, capable, independent dad like that.
I remember the long periods of visiting him where he didn’t seem to know who I was. He was talking to me – sometimes in zulu – but only the last 15 or 20 minutes did it really seem like he knew who I was. I remember the first Monday that he was in ICU I couldn’t get to the visiting hours in the morning. When I got there in the evening he looked at me with huge eyes and says “I’ve been looking for you the whole day”. It broke my heart.
I remember my dad talking about and to my mom often. Sometimes he would refer to me by my mom’s nickname. He always seemed at peace and I knew that the thought of ‘being with my mom’ gave him some comfort.
I remember feeling so bad for him. I couldn’t imagine how hard it had to be for him. In less than a month my dad went from a strong, fit man who didn’t need help from anyone to a man who needed help to drink from a glass, sit up, bath. I knew he was in pain. I knew he was uncomfortable. I would give anything to have taken that away for him. I knew my dad didn’t have much time but I had no idea how little time he had.
Most of all, I remember telling my dad every day that I loved him. I remember him telling me he loved me too. I remember being loved. I remember how we would always to try help if he could.
I remember how excited he was when we told him we were going to adopt. He bought nappies.
One year ago today. I remember being 4 minutes late to look into his eyes one last time. I remember standing next to his bed and feeling bad for all the other people that had to hear me cry. I remember feeling like I wanted to run away and it wouldn’t be real. I remember the moment when Willie walked in and I felt relief. I needed him. I remember asking the nurse to please turn the machine off but she wasn’t allowed to.
I remember the love.
I miss you dad. One long year but it feels like yesterday. You are always here. You are always remembered. You are always loved.
Big hug for you! xx
Thank you so much! xx
In all honesty, I just balled my eyes out now.
And I wouldn’t label this as “Ramblings” to me, “From the Heart” is what this post is.
And MY favourite photo is of you two dancing together.
You’re so sweet. Thanks so much. I’ve been balling on and off all day as well. Thats my favourite one too. It has so many memories attached to it.
Beautiful my darling and one thing I know for sure – your dad loved you unconditionally – exactly the way God loves us. There is nothing that he would not do for his “Shelly” – we were all saddened that day – a day when it felt that my heart was being wrenched from my chest – the heartache was terrible. However God’s amazing love and assurance that this precious brother / father is at peace and at home with his loved ones. Love you Al – forever in my heart – I miss you. I will treasure the memories that I have growing up as a child, we definitely had many a laugh and many times the two of us were in trouble with mom – however we knew we were loved and that is why you could love so easily. Love you always RIP precious AL – we will meet again one day xxxx