I’ve been thinking quite a bit lately about a whole bunch of odd stuff. One of the thoughts that keep popping into my head is more a question….

When do you stop caring/trying/taking responsibility? When do you know that the person doesn’t want that from you? And when you finally do realise that what do you do? Is it really that easy to take a step back and let it be? Or do you carry on taking the punches and the slaps in the face until that person realises what you are trying to do? Interesting don’t you think? I am not sure if I will have the answers anytime soon (or ever) but I know it’s not easy to stop trying. So I will carry on.

I’ve been dreaming about my mum quite a bit lately. it’s almost always the same theme. Every time it is like we’ve been reunited after not being together for a while. I cry and insist that she comes with me. She never talks to me. She is always still sick, like she was before. Every time there is someone there that is taking care of her and it is almost like she doesn’t need me anymore. Sometimes she is in a strange town in a care facility and sometimes she is in our old home and it was me that was gone. Every time it is like we were apart for longer. I am not sure what it means or if it is just because I am thinking about her often. What disturbs me is that she never talks to me. One of my friends told me that we were always so close that it was sometimes not even necessary for us to talk to know what the other was thinking and that that is maybe why she never talks to me in my dreams. When I wake up from these dreams my first thought is to phone her or go to her and after a few minutes the reality hits me. Can it possibly get worse with time and not better?

I found out recently that it is our reunion this year in October. Before I found out I was thinking that it will be interesting to see everyone again. I had some great friends at school that I unfortunately lost touch with. Although now that I know about it I don’t really want to go. I had some really awful experiences with some of these people too and I am not sure that I want to “face my demons” again. I am very happy with who I am and where I am and I don’t need to see some of those people. Yes, maybe I am afraid that it will take me back to those days and all the hard work will be ruined. There are so many people that I would love to see though so I am going to try and arrange that I can at least see some of them that weekend. Meet up for coffee or drinks or something.

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