I am really struggling at the moment. I have some fairly big decisions to make and even though the answer might seem simple it never quite is, right? I have also really been struggling with family issues (that’s a whole other blog post) and somehow that seems to have seeped into these decisions I have to make.
I have to decide if I want to continue studying. It isn’t just about not WANTING to do it. In fact, one of the big reasons why I haven’t stopped is because I want to do it. I like studying and I like being able to say I am studying (I am aware how shallow that sounds). The truth is I am just not enjoying it. I am not giving it a 100% and I should. I know that these modules will be finished and the next ones might be much better but I am not sure if it is worth the risk. There are no guarantees right? I started studying because I want to work with children. Not work really. I want to have interaction with children. That coupled with our adoption experience really created the desire to study in that field. Anyway, none of that really matters. It isn’t what I want it to be. My desire to be with children is still there and there is this big booming voice inside my head that is shouting to me. I KNOW what it is I want to do. I KNOW what my desires are. I am extremely lucky to have a husband who supports me in everything I do and has given me the freedom to do anything my heart desires. My biggest fear is to disappoint him, even when he says I won’t. There is a smaller fear of what ‘the others’ will say but thinking of that just annoys me. I don’t know what to do. I am frustrating myself with going back and forth. I annoy myself because I know I am not giving it 100%.
The other big decision is related to Teen Mom Support Group KZN. It’s been 2 years and it has been the hardest 2 years. Don’t get me wrong, it is amazing and I really love having our moms in my life. I have been doing it alone for 99.9% of that time. Support has been close to nothing. Financially it has come from our own pockets for the most part. I have spent days at clinics, hospitals and schools trying to get the word out to those who might need us. I have spent hours emailing and sourcing possible connections. I have phoned and emailed newspapers, magazines and radio stations. The ones suffering the most are our moms. 2 years down the line I am still struggling to get us registered. For almost a year now we have not had any new members join our meets. People are outright refusing to give talks or be involved, some even rudely. People know my personal history and have questioned my motives or simply just sent me nasty messages. Mostly, I can deal with it, but for how long? I don’t have a story. I don’t have the skills. I had hoped by now I would’ve had someone involved who could help me run it. Who would take over some of these roles. Our moms are doing so well. They are thriving under the circumstances and I couldn’t be prouder. It’s not like I can take any credit. They did it all by themselves. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I by no means want to cut out our moms completely. I keep thinking that I should stay in contact with them etc but that it simply is time to move on. I have been referring many people to local organisations who offer counseling, clinics, housing, food systems and that is what they needed. The ideal would be to combine all these services but many of them won’t work with us and once that process has started it’s all on them. That’s ok. The purpose is to help young moms, and they are. I don’t know. This is a big decision. I know the help is out there and most likely with more resources than I have. It’s a hard decision, a painful one. I don’t know what the right thing to do is.
I am really so lucky to have my husband support me and be there for me no matter what. I am struggling at the moment and he is amazing! Even with all the issues I am dealing with regarding my family. He doesn’t understand it because his family dynamic is so different but he supports me 100%. He listens and nods in all the right places. I can not describe how much that means. He is amazing! Now if only he could make these decisions for me too.