I am really struggling at the moment. I have some fairly big decisions to make and even though the answer might seem simple it never quite is, right? I have also really been struggling with family issues (that’s a whole other blog post) and somehow that seems to have seeped into these decisions I have to make.
I have to decide if I want to continue studying. It isn’t just about not WANTING to do it. In fact, one of the big reasons why I haven’t stopped is because I want to do it. I like studying and I like being able to say I am studying (I am aware how shallow that sounds). The truth is I am just not enjoying it. I am not giving it a 100% and I should. I know that these modules will be finished and the next ones might be much better but I am not sure if it is worth the risk. There are no guarantees right? I started studying because I want to work with children. Not work really. I want to have interaction with children. That coupled with our adoption experience really created the desire to study in that field. Anyway, none of that really matters. It isn’t what I want it to be. My desire to be with children is still there and there is this big booming voice inside my head that is shouting to me. I KNOW what it is I want to do. I KNOW what my desires are. I am extremely lucky to have a husband who supports me in everything I do and has given me the freedom to do anything my heart desires. My biggest fear is to disappoint him, even when he says I won’t. There is a smaller fear of what ‘the others’ will say but thinking of that just annoys me. I don’t know what to do. I am frustrating myself with going back and forth. I annoy myself because I know I am not giving it 100%.
The other big decision is related to Teen Mom Support Group KZN. It’s been 2 years and it has been the hardest 2 years. Don’t get me wrong, it is amazing and I really love having our moms in my life. I have been doing it alone for 99.9% of that time. Support has been close to nothing. Financially it has come from our own pockets for the most part. I have spent days at clinics, hospitals and schools trying to get the word out to those who might need us. I have spent hours emailing and sourcing possible connections. I have phoned and emailed newspapers, magazines and radio stations. The ones suffering the most are our moms. 2 years down the line I am still struggling to get us registered. For almost a year now we have not had any new members join our meets. People are outright refusing to give talks or be involved, some even rudely. People know my personal history and have questioned my motives or simply just sent me nasty messages. Mostly, I can deal with it, but for how long? I don’t have a story. I don’t have the skills. I had hoped by now I would’ve had someone involved who could help me run it. Who would take over some of these roles. Our moms are doing so well. They are thriving under the circumstances and I couldn’t be prouder. It’s not like I can take any credit. They did it all by themselves. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I by no means want to cut out our moms completely. I keep thinking that I should stay in contact with them etc but that it simply is time to move on. I have been referring many people to local organisations who offer counseling, clinics, housing, food systems and that is what they needed. The ideal would be to combine all these services but many of them won’t work with us and once that process has started it’s all on them. That’s ok. The purpose is to help young moms, and they are. I don’t know. This is a big decision. I know the help is out there and most likely with more resources than I have. It’s a hard decision, a painful one. I don’t know what the right thing to do is.
I am really so lucky to have my husband support me and be there for me no matter what. I am struggling at the moment and he is amazing! Even with all the issues I am dealing with regarding my family. He doesn’t understand it because his family dynamic is so different but he supports me 100%. He listens and nods in all the right places. I can not describe how much that means. He is amazing! Now if only he could make these decisions for me too.
Reading this makes me sad. I used to work at an orphanage and I’m still in contact with most of those children. I wish I could adopt every single one of them but I don’t have the financial support or the skills. My boyfriend’s parents run about 5 orphanages over South Africa, and also run a clinic for teen moms and homeless people. They have such a heart for children, just like you. I personally think you are not giving yourself enough credit at the moment. You have a loving and supporting husband and if helping children and teen moms are what you want to do for the rest of your life, then I say go for it!! Continue studying and think about the differences you can make in the lives of those people! I stopped working at the orphanage cause my heart couldn’t deal with all the stories behind why the children are in an orphanage and I just wanted to cuddle and protect those kids, give them a loving home filled with love and kisses and everything they could ever dream of, but I do not have the money at the moment. As soon as I’m in a more stable stage of my life, I would LOVE to be in your shoes, helping and changing the lives of others! You’re doing a great job!
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Shew!!!! I have nothing to say!!! From what I have picked up from twitter and your blog, you are a sweet loving woman. Thrilled that you have a strong understanding hubby, I’ve got one too (so important).
It seems to me from your post that you have decided already, you just need to see it through.
Ok – so I did have something to say!!!
I’m sorry you’re feeling that way about Teen Mom Support. I understand the feeling. Still wondering if it’s making any difference. Then I have a situation where I realise it IS, but getting there is hard and most days you’re just fighting against a brick wall.
What really makes me sad (and mighty angry) for you is what you said about people’s rudeness, questioning and refusing to be involved. That people like THAT – so undeserving of your time and emotion – would make you doubt the good you have ALREADY done, is just terrible.
Do what you need to do. Your moms will be okay. They’ve already shown you that – and it’s also in part due to what you’ve already done for them. Be happy.
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I think the time you’ve put in already is admirable. For the teen moms and the studying.
Your hubby sounds wonderful & supportive, just like my Jon. We’re lucky to have them in our lives.
Whatever you do, do what makes you happy, regardless of how you think others will feel. At the end of the day if your heart is not in it, it’s not worth it.
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Yes you have a wonderful husband however never forget you are an amazing woman.
You have done amazing things – materially and emotionally for so many people.
Hard decisions that only you can make, do NOT base your actions on what people think – those that truly love you will support you in whatever you do
Love you my friend!!!