I got spoilt rotten the other day and got the “Agter elke man”, “Kampus” and “No hero” dvd’s. I finally decided last nite that I was going to leave everything, crawl into bed and watch agter elke man.

First off, the song “Agter elke man” is very special to me as my fiance (Diago) once told me that when he hears that song it reminds him of me and me in his life. I love that song. Planned to play it for him at the wedding. Ok that sounds funny but if you know how we are doing the wedding you will understand.

So the movie starts. I see “Antie Stienie” and all of a sudden I have tears running down my cheeks. What an amazing woman. Miss her terribly. The movie carries on and i find myself crying on and off. I wonder why and suddenly it hits me. It’s a reminder. Of times when we could be safe. Of times when the most important thing was how much time I had to play outside before i got called in to eat, bath and sleep.

I remember being very small, climbing on the horse and going off for the day. Leaving home early in the morning and coming back almost dark. I went to the dam, played in the water. Up to the fields to pick flowers for my mom. Stopped at the farm workers houses and ate lunch with the women and children that were there. Not sure what I ate but it was fun. Then rode into the sugar cane fields and waved to all the people working. I wasn’t scared. My mom wasn’t worried.

My heart is heavy today. I am not sure why but I think that I miss my mom more this time of year. It’s her birthday this month. What I wouldn’t give to have just one more day with her. Just one hour. Just to be able to say good bye. A while ago there was a show on SABC3 – “Crossing over with John Edward”. I was hooked on this guy. I read a few articles of people claiming that he was fake but I think he was/is amazing. One day at work I told the lady that worked with me about the show and what he can do. Our accountant walked past, turned around and said to me. “You do know of course where he gets it from?” I looked at him with a confused look on my face and he answered “The devil”.

I asked him if his parents were still alive. “yes” he answered. I asked him if his brother, sisters and children were still alive, “Yes of course” he answered. Even his grandparents were still alive. I smiled at him and said. “Right, then you know exactly how it feels to lose a loved one. Let me tell you this. If the devil will give me one more chance to talk to my mom or get a message from her I will grab it with both hands.”. I don’t know if John Edward is legitimate or not. He seems to be more believable than some of the other “mediums” that I have come across. I think he is amazing. My mom was my world and I would/would’ve given anything for her. The last few days my mom couldn’t talk to me or even responded to me and I would’ve loved to know what she would’ve wanted to say to me then. If only…..

I love you mom…and i miss you so much. More and more each day.

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