I know, a random personal post is super random but here we are.
I stumbled across this post from a little over 2 years ago. I read it and I wondered how much has changed since then. The truth is, absolutely nothing. I took a break from blogging and in that time we did some home renovations and I managed to catch up on a bit of a backlog. My intention was to figure out what I wanted from life. I ended up getting so caught up in real life that all those intentions fell by the wayside.
The truth is, I didn’t make it or myself a priority. As always. It was easier to just plod along and exist. Reading that post again has really shoved my face in it. I am terrified that this is it.
I am not an unhappy person but I feel like I have this big balloon stuck in my chest and every week, month that passes it gets bigger. I feel like it is going to explode. If I take a second to think about it I feel my heart racing and my breath catching. I am filled with so much anxiety and sadness and I hate it. I felt the same way 2 years ago and I felt the same before that. I hate that another 2 years have passed since I asked myself all those questions and I am nowhere closer to an answer. What I do know, is that something needs to change.
I have spent most of my adult life taking care of my mom and I did it with love. I would do it again in a heartbeat. I then took care of my dad and I would do it again. I have spent every minute of every day putting someone else’s care, wellbeing and interests ahead of my own. And you know what I got? Nothing. I am not a priority, I am not a choice, I am nothing. I am still empty. Emptier.
As I am typing this I am struggling to breathe. I have gotten so used to not saying how I feel. I am terrified of how my words and actions can hurt. I wonder if anyone cares about my thoughts and feelings? Yes, I know there are people who care. But does anyone know how terribly, brutally unhappy I am? Am I just so good at hiding myself? Does anyone know what I need? Does anyone know how I need to be loved? What I need to feel whole?
I am terrified that this is what my life is meant to be. If this is it, I don’t want it. I don’t care about what I can have or achieve. I want to fill my life with memories. I want to sit in silence and watch a beach sunrise. I want to picnic in the late afternoon light laughing so hard my belly hurts. I want to put myself first. I want to make myself whole. I want to love myself.
Some people might say I am too old to do this. I am too old to collect sunrises and sunsets. I am too old to think that memories can be made. I am only too old when I am dead and I have no idea when that might be. I am terrified that this is it. I am terrified that this is not it. I can’t think about it too long because it literally feels like my chest is going to break open and all of this will just spill. Never ending. I have to put the mask back on and switch it off. I have to turn to stone. If I think about it it gives it life. I can’t do this anymore but I don’t know any other way…