a personal post on a tuesday

Hey guys,

I know, a random personal post is super random but here we are.

I stumbled across this post from a little over 2 years ago.  I read it and I wondered how much has changed since then.  The truth is, absolutely nothing.  I took a break from blogging and in that time we did some home renovations and I managed to catch up on a bit of a backlog.  My intention was to figure out what I wanted from life. I ended up getting so caught up in real life that all those intentions fell by the wayside.

The truth is, I didn’t make it or myself a priority.  As always.  It was easier to just plod along and exist.  Reading that post again has really shoved my face in it.  I am terrified that this is it.

I am not an unhappy person but I feel like I have this big balloon stuck in my chest and every week, month that passes it gets bigger.  I feel like it is going to explode.  If I take a second to think about it I feel my heart racing and my breath catching.  I am filled with so much anxiety and sadness and I hate it.  I felt the same way 2 years ago and I felt the same before that.  I hate that another 2 years have passed since I asked myself all those questions and I am nowhere closer to an answer.  What I do know, is that something needs to change.

I have spent most of my adult life taking care of my mom and I did it with love.  I would do it again in a heartbeat.  I then took care of my dad and I would do it again.  I have spent every minute of every day putting someone else’s care, wellbeing and interests ahead of my own.  And you know what I got?  Nothing.  I am not a priority, I am not a choice, I am nothing.  I am still empty.  Emptier.

As I am typing this I am struggling to breathe.  I have gotten so used to not saying how I feel.  I am terrified of how my words and actions can hurt.  I wonder if anyone cares about my thoughts and feelings?  Yes, I know there are people who care.  But does anyone know how terribly, brutally unhappy I am?  Am I just so good at hiding myself?  Does anyone know what I need? Does anyone know how I need to be loved? What I need to feel whole?

I am terrified that this is what my life is meant to be.  If this is it, I don’t want it.  I don’t care about what I can have or achieve.  I want to fill my life with memories.  I want to sit in silence and watch a beach sunrise.  I want to picnic in the late afternoon light laughing so hard my belly hurts.  I want to put myself first.  I want to make myself whole.  I want to love myself.

Some people  might say I am too old to do this.  I am too old to collect sunrises and sunsets. I am too old to think that memories can be made.  I am only too old when I am dead and I have no idea when that might be.  I am terrified that this is it.  I am terrified that this is not it.  I can’t think about it too long because it literally feels like my chest is going to break open and all of this will just spill.  Never ending.  I have to put the mask back on and switch it off.  I have to turn to stone.  If I think about it it gives it life.  I can’t do this anymore but I don’t know any other way…

One Comment

  1. I read this with tears in my eyes… It makes me sad knowing you feel this way.

    You always give so much of yourself, you always there for a friend, always ready with good advice and I feel like we’ve failed you, for not noticing this.

    Yes, you are loved!! And no, you are not too old to make memories. Never! So, maybe you need to take your own advice that you gave to someone. Take 5 mins. Then another and then a hour, take as much time as you need. Go to the beach and watch the sunset. Take B with you. Instead of going to the gym at 4 in the AM, go to the beach to watch the sunrise. Tell hubby you gonna go to a spa. Do something for yourself.

    Look after yourself, for us, but more for you. You deserve more than you getting and I wish I could be there for you, instead I’m here rooting for you, hoping things will get better!

    Lots of love and hugs!!

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