What am I thinking…….

Yip, it’s 4am and I am still awake. Probably will be when my alarm goes off to go to work. What is wrong with me?

I feel sick to my stomach and restless. I’m hot and shaky. urgh!! I can’t remember what this feeling is but I’m pretty sure I’ve felt it before.

So here is an interesting question. If you could tell the future would you want to know?? Or if someone could tell you your future would you want to know?? I’m still undecided. If there were good things I wouldn’t want to know. Let me be happy as they happen and savour the moment instead of spoiling it. Bad things though?? I’d rather know. I’d rather want to prepare myself and deal with it as soon as possible. I don’t see why bad things have to be drawn out. For crying out loud…..if you wanna kill me do it quickly. If you wanna hurt me do it and get it over and done with. Don’t draw it out. Don’t waste precious time. Don’t make fools out of us.

I was told today that I spend too much time watching tv. Now I don’t sit in front of the tv all night watching. We are lucky enough to have PVR so I can record any (every) show that we like. Granted, we have many shows to still watch but more often that not we spend a night just catching up on some shows. I don’t think I watch too much tv. Sometimes it feels like I barely have enough time to watch one show. Tonight though……feels like all I did was watch tv. Not much else to do at 4am….

I miss my mom. So much that I am even scared to think about it. I so badly want to talk to her. To tell her how I am feeling and what is going on and hear her voice tell me that it is all going to be ok. She always listened to me. To her I mattered. When she said I was going to be ok I believed her. Am I going to be ok???

Ok that is way too much talking …..I’m off to watch another show. No point in sleeping now.

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